What my Daughter’s NICU Stay Taught Me

 No one tells you about the emotions you would feel after having a baby. Specifically, after having a baby that had a NICU stay. Really every mother has a different experience, and I hope yours wasn't like mine. My pregnancy took a toll on me. I was dealing with rough emotions, moments that were life-threatening, and some experiences that really just made me regret getting pregnant. All of this didn't help when it all came down to actually taking care of my baby. 

 I realized my life would never be the same the day my daughter came home from the NICU. Yes, I loved Cora. But the NICU was her home the past 15 days and I wasn't her primary caregiver. My connection with my daughter was not strong. I felt no bond to her at all. I was excited to have my baby home because she wasn't in the hospital anymore and I didn't have to ever go back to that dreadful place.

Every mother wants the best for their child, and my mind wandered always with thoughts like "am I really what is best for Cora?" My husband would tell me every day that I was such a good mother and that even though bad things happen to me I shouldn't let it get me down, but I didn't believe it. A good mom wouldn't be thinking this. 

 I let it get to me, I let it depress me, I let every thought of inadequacy push me to my limits of hopelessness. I would look at this little baby, that my body brought into this world, and feel sorrow. Getting her dressed was something I hated because it reminded me how small she was and it was my fault she turned out this way. Every time I fed her formula, it depressed me because it feeding her a bottle reminded me that I couldn't breastfeed. 

 I hated looking in the mirror. I hated showering. Those things just reminded me that I wasn't me anymore. I was wearing clothes that were sizes I never wore before, and sizes I never thought I would wear. I fought against stretch marks with creams during pregnancy, but I lost the war. My incision stood out against my snowy white skin and reminded constantly at how awful the surgery was. The hair on my head was falling out in clumps. My skin had so much acne on it that I didn't recognize myself. 

 My nights were spent feeding a baby I didn't know. And when I could sleep, I didn't even though I was so exhausted. I was afraid this baby would die. And it would be my fault because I wasn't looking after her. 

I felt like my life was over and I would do nothing for the rest of my life but change poopy diapers, wear droopy, unflattering clothes and become bald. 

My family and friends noticed these changes in me and how I withdrew myself from everyone I knew and hardly talked. Therapy was something I was encouraged to go to. So I did. 

The first session was awkward at first. The therapist would ask probing questions every once in a while and I would answer without giving out too many personal details. By the end of it, I was puking out thoughts and feelings I never told a soul about. 

I talked about how mad I was that this happened to me. Everything including how pissed off I was that I had to experience preeclampsia and a NICU stay. How I was so pissed that other young moms around me had no hardship, while I was struggling to climb out of bed. Any thought or feeling I had after weeks of sessions, something changed inside of me. A bond with Cora started to grow. I wanted to be the one to bathe her. I wanted to be the one to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her. She was no longer some byproduct of the worst day of my life. She's my baby and I wanted to love and care for her.

 I no longer loathed my body. My scar is my symbol of strength. I went through something hard that saved my baby's life. The stretch marks became my tiger stripes. I looked at my body and saw all that it went through to grow and protect another life--my baby's life. I owed my body the love and respect it deserved.

 My life is different. The NICU stay changed me. Being a parent of a preemie has changed me forever. But it isn't the end of your life. There is life after a NICU stay. You aren't a bad mom if you ever wished that things were different and if you don't have a bond with your child after they come home from the NICU. NICU stay is a traumatic experience for both you and your child and takes time to recover from.

 Trust those that say you are adequate. Press forward when being a mom is hard. You are strong, and you are an essential part of your child's steps into life.